Bird Whisperer? Alfalfa begs to differ.
October 12, 2009
Confidence is good, but over-confidence can be annoying. It really bugs me when people march right up to your pet and announce that they are “great with animals” so, are somehow entitled to handling your animal friend without permission. Really? Are you some sort of expert? Because no animal expert I have ever met or heard of would introduce themselves to a new critter that way. I guess Alfalfa learned this intolerance of this breed of human from his mommy (teach your children well!), because he seems to feel the way. Here is the story of Alfalfa meeting a self-proclaimed bird-whisperer.
Once, a fat little man showed up at my door, thinking that it was neighbor’s house. I pointed him in the right direction and we exchanged pleasantries. In that time he heard Alfalfa calling from the kitchen and, with eyes aglow with excitement, asked what kind of bird I had. I told him I had a cockatiel. I hardly had a chance to protest as he marched through the house towards the cage, following the sound of Alfalfa’s squawks.
He began gushing to me about how he owned parrots and began to reach for the cage. I stopped him and explained that Alfalfa really seems to have a deep-rooted hatred for men, and it would behoove him to not stick his fingers in the cage. He proudly told me that he actually rehabilitated birds with behavioral problems, and as he leaned in to the cage he said, “I’m actually a bird whisperer”
What happened in the next 9 seconds were my proudest moments as a bird owner. You have to understand, that a bird may only have two little brain cells in their head, but I promise you, they use those cells for carefully planned acts of evil. If a dog doesn’t like you, he will growl and snarl immediately as you approach. If a bird doesn’t like you, well….he may be a little more strategic about how to punish you for your mere existence.
So, as Mr. Bird-Whisperer brought his face closer to his cage, making patronizing “coochie coochie coo” noises, Alfalfa batted his eyes, chirped, and made his little kissing noises. He even put down his tiel in the “calm-submissive” positive, luring that naive chubby face nearer. But then! Just as the bird-man got close enough, placing his fat lips right in front of the cage, Alfalfa perked up his tiel and, in one motion, launched himself forward, reached his beak between the bars, and CHOMPED onto the man’s lower lip. I don’t mean he gave a little peck. Alfalfa reached forth, gripped onto a good chunk of flesh and clenched down until he tasted blood.
Mr. ”I’m-a-bird-whisperer” left in a hurry, to say the least, clutching his bleeding lip.
I somehow controlled my laughter until the door clicked shut. Alfalfa happily sang and chirped to me, proud that he fended off an evil intruder.
So I’m sure it was immoral of me to be so pleased with my evil little birdie…maybe this bodes poorly on my future with human children….oh well. I think the bird-man had it coming. Maybe it was a good learning experience. Bird-man learned some humility. I learned that Alfalfa is more conniving that I realized. And, Alfalfa? I guess he reminded himself, once again, that he is AWESOME. He certainly is his own man…
